Saturday, January 28, 2006

Suprising Criticism.....

(A sign posted outside of Jimron Watkin's house on the corner of 9th and C street. Check out a map of the city at,+NE)

Despite what I consider to be an entirely positive program, the Turkeys For Children campaign has received some unexpected criticism. The following is a letter from a concerned parent of a student at Belvidere's town school. Of note I am also the school board in Belvidere.

Dear Mayor/Superintendent Jenkins,

My name is Jimron Watkins and my son, Jimron Jr., and daughter, Susabell, and I attend the town school here in Belvidere. Jimron and his sister were given a turkey as part of your Turkeys For Children campaign and while Susabell feels this is a dream come true I would be remiss if I didn't bring to light some reservations that I have. I have long had a deep seated hatred of turkeys, or demon birds, as I think of them. It would be easy to blame this on the fact that my wife, the late Reverend Blanche Watkins, was mauled to death by one of those vicious creatures(see attached photo) but there is much more to it. Consider the following facts about Turkeys:

1. Forty-five million turkeys are eaten each Thanksgiving. Nineteen million turkeys are eaten each Easter. Twenty-two million turkeys are eaten each Christmas.
2. The average American eats 17.4 pounds of turkey per year.
3. The American Indians hunted wild turkey for its sweet, juicy meat as early as 1000 A.D. Turkey feathers were used to stabilize arrows and adorn ceremonial dress, and the spurs on the legs of wild tom turkeys were used as projectiles on arrowheads.
4. Turkey skins are tanned and used to make cowboy boots and belts.
5. Turkeys can see movement almost a hundred yards away.
6. Wild turkeys can fly for short distances up to 55 miles per hour.
7. Wild turkeys can run 20 miles per hour.
8. Wild turkeys spend the night in trees.
9. A grouping of wild turkeys is called a "death brigade".
10. Wild turkey's, if given the opportunity, will kill you and everyone you love.

I think these facts speak for themselves Mr. Mayorintendent but let me fill you in on the situation outside of town at the front lines of the war raging between humans and turkeys for domination of southern Nebraska. The wild turkey population in Nebraska numbers well into the millions with a large percentage in the region which includes Belvidere. These Death Brigades are known to have sent in wave after wave of scouts in apparent suicide missions to test Belvidere's perimeter defenses.

They have begun to focus these efforts on the weaker segments of the perimeter in the southwest quadrant. Despite this my petitions for the use of land mines have gone unanswered. If something is not done now we will soon face a crisis of unprecedented proportions. Before you know it, these keen eyed, swift footed, and fast flying demon birds will reign death from above on the inhabitants of Belvidere from their stategic treetop positions. It will be bloody and the last sounds we will here are their terrifying gobbles of victory.

Thank you for your time,
Jimron Watkins

(The late Reverend Blanche Watkins just seconds before she was senslessly mauled to death by a wild turkey just outside of Belvidere, Nebraska.)

Spooner Jenkins


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