Wednesday, March 14, 2007
Monday, August 21, 2006
Mothers Against Timmy Tobacco's Wacky Shack.....
(Gladys Keiser, head of MATTWS and owner of Gladys's Hair Parlor.)
I had no idea that the opening of a Timmy Tobacco's Wacky Shack here in Belvidere, further proof that this is truly a top American city as far as I'm concerned, would upset some of our citizens. But apparantly Gladys Keiser and a few other women, mostly members of her long running craft club, are not at all happy about it. Just this morning I received the following letter:
"Dear Mayor Jenkins,
My name is Gladys Keiser and I am a local businesswoman. You may have heard of Gladys's Hair Parlor where your wife has had her hair permanented going on 40 years. I also host a weekly craft club which boasts many of the towns female elders as members. We were responsible for last years winning Christmas Eve display. Your wife is not a member. I am writing to you to voice our concern over the upcoming opening of a Timmy Tobacco's Wacky Shack right here in our beautiful town. We have many such concerns however I will list some of the most important ones:
1. Tobacco has long been considered by scientists and doctors to have harmful effects on children's hair. Any Salonstress worth her mincing gel knows that smoker's hair is brittle and doesn't take up color well.
2. Although delicious and healthsome, tobacco leads to increasing self-confidence which may lead to feelings of self-doubt and worthlessness in the children who do not smoke or otherwise use tobacco.
3. Cigarettes contain over sixty ingredients. Ingredients are also found in many toxic chemicals and poisons as well as acid rain.
4. It is wrong for the children of Belvidere to enjoy tobacco and tobacco products when there are so many children around the world who must go without tobacco.
5. Although cigarrettes are a wholesome source of tar and ash, there are ways for them to get their daily recommended allowance that keep our money where it belongs and not hand it over to a greedy corporation. Jut Framington has a tar pond and an ash pile just ripe for the scoopin!
Mayor Jenkins I trust that you will take these words to heart. Belvidere doesn't need some fancy city store like Timmy Tobacco's even if the owner is from these parts. And our children don't need to rely on tobacco, as wonderful as it is, to stay fit and healthy. Take heed Mr. Jenkins. You surely do not want to find yourself at odds with the craft club. Give my regards to your lovely wife.
Thursday, August 17, 2006
Tobacco Fever About to Hit Belvidere.....
(Tim-Bob "Timmy Tobacco" Alvarez. He's great with kids.)
If you grew up like me, and most folk around these parts, then you know the enjoyment that tobacco can bring to the entire family. Whether it's from a nice pipe while relaxing in front of the fire or the smile that a steaming bowl of tobacco soup brings to your children's faces in the winter, tobacco is a valuable part of Belvidere society. Of course there are many more uses for this wonderous example of God's love for his chosen people, especially those right here in southern Nebraska:
1. A powerful remedy for colic. Just sprinkle some into your infant's formula or goat milk.
2. A sturdy pest repellant. Just apply a tobacco past around your house with special attention to doors and windows.
3. A flavorsome spice to improve any recipe. Nothing beats my own personal creation, "Tobacco Taters".
4. A soothing remedy for a bothersome cough. Just soak some tobacco leaves in hot water, add some honey and lemon, and gargle.
5. A calmitive for those restless nights. Just sprinkle an amount to your liking into a warm bath and bask in the aroma. But be careful not to fall asleep in the tub.
And there are many more that you'll discover with a little hard thinking and elbow grease. But there is so much more to the miracle plant than home remedies and fancy fixins. I'll never forget how tobacco brought my family together and added layers of enjoyment to special occasions. Seeing the love and cigars that my parents shared on their anniversary celebrations gave me immense joy. I still often think back to those mornings, smoking with my brother and sister while waiting for the schoolbus and talking about our dreams for the future. I couldn't imagine not having tobacco in my life. It's a shame those two aren't with us anymore. The doctors never did find out what caused the lung cancer.
So naturally I couldn't be more excited about the coming of a Timmy Tobacco's Wacky Shack to Belvidere. Now children of all ages will have the opportunity to enjoy a healthy dose of Vitamin T. In fact, studies show that children who smoke are 98% more likely to go on to smoke as adults, or at least until they die. And adults who smoke lead vibrant sophisticated lives. The same study found that the 2% of children who stop smoking also are more likely to suffer from problems associated with old age. You wouldn't want to risk that so why should your kids?
I can't wait for the grand opening. I'll be there to cut the ribbon and to wish my good buddy and Belvidere native Tim-Bob Alvarez, also know as Timmy Tobacco, good luck. Won't you join me?
Sunday, August 06, 2006
Taking the High Road.....
(My faithful friend, Luanne, outside of Jenkins Manor)
Clark Bartram over at Unintelligent Design recently mentioned yours truly in a post which discussed some of his favorite books. Apparantly this represents some kind of blog equivalent to a chain letter and involves tagging other blogs, such as mine, to continue the chain of posts. I have long considered Mr. Bartram to be my foil in the blogging community but was suprised at the hurtful way in which I was "tagged". Mr. Bartram wrote, "Spooner Jenkins(I bet he'll say something about cows, turkeys, or the devil)". I will take the high road and not acknowledge Mr. Bartram's ignorance and demeaning words, not just of myself but of the literally tens of Belvidere citizens who have falled prey to the savage turkey Death Brigades that have long terrorized our surrounding land, particularly in the southwest quadrant. I will only say this:
When Chekhov saw the long winter, he saw a winter bleak and dark and bereft of hope. Yet we know that winter is just another step in the cycle of life. But standing here among the people of Belvidere and basking in the of warmth of their hearths and hearts, I couldn't imagine a better fate than a long and lustrous winter. Mr. Bartram, the long winter is your life, closed minded to the aspects of the world around us that can't be explained by a fancy science book. Here in Belvidere we understand that understanding truth comes in many forms. We cycle between ignorance and knowledge just as winter becomes spring. That is what makes us human. There can be no spring without the winter. Only God has supreme knowledge, and supreme love for his chosen people. The good people of Belvidere are part of that group who will praise God in Heaven triumphantly for all eternity. Winter holds no power over us.
To anwer the questions of your silly game, each is easily fulfilled by my favorite book(other than the Bible of course), "The Field Guide to John Deere Tractors" by Don Macmillan.
Wednesday, July 19, 2006
The Baptists Speak Out Against Horizontal Cows.....
The Discovery Channel crew has wrapped up shooting and let me tell you I couldn't be happier about it. Those Hollyweird types just aren't cut out for country living, even in a top Amercian city like Belvidere. And I fear that their influence has effected the decent but impressionable folks of Belvidere, especially the children. In fact, things have changed a lot around here and not for the better.
Greed got the best of Ronda. Her $3 Dollar Meatloaf costs 10 bucks now and she started serving bottled water. If you're too good for delicious Belvidere Brown straight from the tap then maybe your just too good for Belvidere. Then Grandma's started carrying all kinds of sinful products like calling cards and fancy moisturizer creams. I tell you if God meant for our skin to be soft he'd of given us fur. Even the way people talk has changed. I heard young Tilly Woodard tell her mother to "just chill out" right there on E street by the Post Office. It's shamefull.
I am curious to see the documentary when it comes out. They were pretty impressed with what has been going on here and rightfully so as Horizontal Cow sightings have become more frequent than ever. Folks around here are starting to worry that this could be a sign of the end of days prophesized in the Good Book. I think they might be right.
People are seeking guidance in these troubled times and when that happens the Belvidere Baptist Church, of which I am a proud member, always comes to the aid of those in need. There are many theories as to the source of the Horizontal Cow Phenomenon but the church elders don't accept that aliens, tornadoes, or sneaky farmers are behind it. They know who is to blame and that is Lucifer himself. And if Belvidere doesn't repent and change its wicked ways the Horizontal Cows will be the end of this town. They just might finish what the irregular sheep and turkey Death Brigades started. The church is speaking out against the rampant sin that is plaguing our fair town in sermons, on street corners, and in pamphlets brought door to door every Sunday afternoon.
But this isn't the first time the church has focused its attention on matters of extreme importance to the Belvidere. They have come to our rescue in the past. Here are few other things that the Belvidere Baptist Church has spoken out against as well as why they did so:
1. Evolution- False religion and source of all the world's evils
2. Same sex Marriage-Scientifically proven to be immoral
3. Australia-Home to insane criminals
4. Genetically modified crops-The cause of most illness and will lead to superpowerful insects
5. Sex for other than the purpose of making babies-Also scientifically proven to be immoral
6. The Belvidere Jesus Tortilla-A false idol
7. Belvidere's giant ball of floss-A false idol
8. Turnip picking after Founder's Day-Forbidden in Deuteronomy 12:17 as well a Psalm 218
9. Irregular sheep-Forged by Lucifer himself
10. Turkeys-Satan's right hand
11. Taxidermy-Occult wickedness
12. Electric guitars-Satan's instrument to seduce our children into evil rock and/or roll
13. Wayward teens-Satan's minions on earth
14. Possum fever-Pastor Bob once had this
15. Tea Leoni-The bride of Satan or perhaps the antichrist
I'll keep everyone posted.
Saturday, July 15, 2006
More Horizontal Cow Related News.....
(Durnk and Steen Philpot, seen here with their slightly used John Deere tractor bought at Tug's John Deere Outlet.)
You may remember my recent post on the Horizontal Cow phenomenon that has been plaguing our incredible and exciting town. Well the increased attention brought about by my announcement that the Discovery Channel had plans to film a documentary on the subject was soon followed by the confession of two local farmers from nearby Shickley, Nebraska. Durnk and Steen Philpot, father and son corn farmers claim to be solely responsible for the horizontal cows. They say that they have, for the past few months, been sneaking into local fields and forcing the cows into a horizontal position. They say the whole thing is a hoax and that there are no supernatural forces or conspiracies behind it. But I'm not so sure.
Even if what the Philpot boys say is true, what explains the historical mentionings of horizontal cows going back to the early 1800's. What about the depictions of horizontal cows found on cave walls dated back thousands of years. How could two men, even men as sturdy as the Philpots, have caused all of the hundreds of horizontal cow sightings, often many in one night. What about similar sightings in other cities around the world. I think this is just a cheap way to draw attention off of Belvidere and onto Shickley's upcoming Wheat Fest, which pales in comparison to our Music and Music Related Fun Festival. Did I mention that the Lumpkin twins and Lil Jim Barton have signed up to play again this year!
We have an old saying here in Belvidere about watching out for people who are trying to pull the wool over your eyes. I've often thought of it when I'm unsure whether I can trust someone or something. I can't think of it right now but take my word for it. The Philpot boys are turkeys in regular sheep's clothing. Wait, that was it.
Monday, July 10, 2006
The Lumpkins Are Coming....
(The talented and beautiful Lumpkin twins.)
Fresh on the heels of the announcement that the Discovery Channel is coming to Belvidere to shoot a documentary on our Horizontal Cow Phenomenon, I've only just received word that the Lumpkin twins are coming back to put on another fantastic performance. These two fine young women grew up here in Belvidere but left to make it in showbusiness. You may remember their powerful rendition of "Possum Fever Done Killed My Pappy" which left narry a dry eye in the house at last Summer's Belvidere Music and Music Related Fun Festival of Fun when they opened for Lil Jim Barton and the Belvidere Playboys. Well this time they have the whole night to themselves and have promised to play all of their biggest hits. In fact, here is the playlist I just received:
1. "Possum Fever Done Killed My Pappy"
2. "Ain't Nothing Cuter Than a Fat Country Baby Eatin' Peaches of a Hard Wood Floor"
3. "The Whittler's Seranade"
4. "Was it the Moonshine or Your Love That Made Me Blind"
5. "Good Intentions Won't Pull Out This Tick"
6. "There's Pellet in this Duck But the Hole's in My Heart"
And that's just the beginning but you'll have to wait to find out what other songs they'll break out for the big show. Hopefully some of their new stuff.
And now for some bad news. I've got a bone to pick with one Mr. Shank Wilburn, owner and operator of the Belvidere Manuer Museum and Deli. We entered into a business agreement over meatloaf at Grandma's, not something to be taken lightly but probably should be taken with some alka seltzer. And now I've come to find out from an anonymous source that he's been galavanting around the intranet behind my back trying to boot me out of the company we'd been working on putting together. I'd go int more detail but I'm so mad right now I might say something I'd regret.
Thursday, July 06, 2006
What a week for Belvidere. Not only have people been coming in droves to read about this wonderful town but I have just received word that television's The Discovery Channel is coming to film a documentary on the mysterious Horizontal Cow Phenomenon. The whole town is buzzing with excitement and everyone is working hard to get the town ready for those fancy Hollywood folks. This could be the big break that we've been waiting for ever since Nissan chose to move their headquarters somewhere else. I bet even Tia Leone will want to come here but she's not welcome. At least not while I'm in charge.
Tuesday, July 04, 2006
The Horizontal Cows of Belvidere.....
(One of many horizontal cows seen in Belvidere over the past few weeks.)
You may have noticed that I have been posting pretty infrequently over the past several weeks. I have actually been quite busy conducting a number of scientifically designed studies as part of an investigation into Belvidere's horizontal cow phenomenon. For as long as I can remember, there have been isolated reports of horizontal cows, especially from the outskirts of town near the anti-turkey perimeter fence. But as of late these incidents have increased steadily in number and the town council is at a loss for an explanation. Even my efforts have been unable to determine the cause.
Many townsfolk feel that the aliens, usually content with the occasional abduction, are involved. Some feel that this is a sign of the end times predicted in Revelations from the Bible. Still a few are sure that a more natural cause is to blame. What could be more natural than God's work here on earth I don't know. It seems like everyone in town has come up with their own reason for this cow related mystery:
1. Quantum forces effected the spin of the cow's electrons.
2. Very small tornados.
3. A temporary decrease in the gravitational field surrounding the cow.
4. A malfunction of the Matrix.
5. A town wide conspiracy involving the turkeys and irregular sheep.
And now the Belvidere Skeptics' Society has published this data which indicates that an even more sinister problem may be behind this.
Thursday, June 22, 2006
Belvidere to the Rescue.....
It's hard amongst all the poverty, starvation, war, famine, widespread disease, Darwinism, abortion, and sex for purposes other than producing a child, to feel that any one person or, in this case, family has it the worst. But when you look at the need in this young couple's eyes, and the obvious hardships they must be going through, I think that it is clear that these two people have it worse than anyone else in the entire world.
You can read all about the tragedies that have befallen them at their website, indebtlawyer. So please good women and men of Belvidere, find it in your hearts to dig deep and help these people out. They have nowhere else to turn but the good people of the intranet, and now us.
Wednesday, June 14, 2006
Genetically Modified Crops in Belvidere.....
(A dramatization to illustrate the health concerns of genetically modified crops. This really isn't Death, it is a man in a Death suit. But Death could really be there, or anywhere, because he is invisible.)
Every week I get letters from townsfolk with concerns about goings on here in Belvidere. Just yesterday I received a letter from Flippy Martinez, who is the son of Quiznos Martinez who owns the Subway down on Avenue D. Mr. Martinez, a Sandwich Artist at his father's store, is concerned about a new product available here in town.
"Dear Dr. Jenkins,
I was just at Grandma's and noticed that some of the products contain genetically modified corn. I heard that genetically modified corn contains animal genes and that the Bible says that genetically modifying corn is a sin. Should I burn the town down or just Grandma's.
First off, I'm not a doctor although I have been offered an honorary degree from the Belvidere Technical and Cow Related Science Institute. Second, what a great question Flippy. I've often thought about the potential health concerns related to eating genetically modified, or GM, crops. So as usual I turned to a trusted source of information on this topic, the intranet.
One trusted source on the environment, and the scientific ramifications of fiddling around with it, is Greenpeace. Greenpeace has been protecting the environment without an agenda for years and reading their article on GM crops was very revealing. My search then led me to Dr. Mercola's website, another bastian of integrity, science, and consumer advocacy. There I found some mind blowing revelations about GM crops, their hidden dangers, and the conspiracy to sneak them into the food supply. I then spent several more hours scouring the intranet for trustworthy information on GM crops from sources such as Pat Robertson, Deepak Chopra, and the Committee for the Scientific Advancement of Removing Science From Public Schools(CSARSFPS) headed by Michael Behe and Phillip Johnson. I'll condense everything you need to know into 5 easy to remember points Flippy:
1. Genetical Modification occurs when scientists create new forms of life in a laboratory. These are plants, insects, and animals that have never existed and have no natural ecosystem in which to exist. This blatantly ignores Newton's 2nd Law of Thermodynamics and thus the Bible so to answer your question, yes Flippy it is a sin. But don't burn down the town or Grandma's. Instead write a letter to your Congressman.
2. Genetically modified crops specifically are plants into which scientists have inserted new genes that have been taken from animals. For example, a potato that can survive in colder weather can be made by inserting a gene from a cold water fish. Unfortunately it is difficult to control for things like scales forming on the potato or the potato having a strong fishy odor. Most scientists are concerned that the same thing might happen to people after ingestion of these potatoes.
3. Genetically modified crops are known to be more aggressive than the God created variety. This means that when GM crops are released into the environment they could spread out of control. This could mean the destruction of all non-GM crops. We may soon live in a world where starving children in Africa won't even have the option to choose between natural and GM crops.
4. Genetically modified crops are often designed to be more hardy and resistent to destruction by insects that easily destroy natural varieties. This might seem like a good thing but what about when we need to destroy the GM crops because they are taking over all of our available land. Scientists will be forced to create genetically modified insects that can eat the genetically modified crops. But who will be able to defeat the insects.
5. It is already a medically accepted fact that GM crops lead to a variety of health problems: chronic fatigue syndrome, chronic lyme disease, Wilson's thyroid syndrome, toxic mold, fibromyalgia, subluxations, stagnant Chi, Morgellon's disease, Candida hypersensitivity, neuralgia-inducing cavitational osteonecrosis, and many more.
I hope that this anwers all of your question Flippy.
Tuesday, June 13, 2006
Town Supports Dr. Grimes.....
(Come on in to Tug's and bring the kids!)
First off I'd like to thank everyone who wrote in to support Dr. Grimes and his letter to the town. It seems that some people out there, namely one Dr. Clark Bartram, don't agree with what our town doc has to say. But you can't argue with popularity and around these parts Chiropractic is king. How else can you explain how nobody has gotten the Mumps yet or why the death rate in Belvidere is as close to the national average as it is. If Deek Newton hadn't gotten caught in that wheat thresher last week we'd have been on pace but you can't blame that one on Dr. Grimes can you Dr. Bartram.
I'm going to share the responses from the citizens of Belvidere that were dropped off at the Mayor's Office by the town letter carrier, and part time salesman at Tug's John Deere Outlet, Norris Pearle. But first, if your old tractor isn't pulling its weight around the corn fields anymore, why not head on over to Tug's John Deere Outlet. They sell'em ugly, but they sell'em good. And if you buy a tractor this month, tell old Tug that the Mayor sent you and your kid gets his very own slightly used and minimally soiled John Deere Jr. for an additional 10% off and no interest for 6 months. Tug sure is crazy about saving you money. He is also crazy, which is why his beautiful wife Willomina is running the shop these days.
"Dear Mayor Jenkins,
I'd like to say that I think Dr. Grimes has done an excellent job caring for the citizens of Belvidere. I can't remember the last time we had a case of Infantile Canine Distemper here in town. And if I get an adjustment at the start of a cold or a headache, it gets better everytime and never turns into Phlemongitis or Brain Fever. If it were up to me, Dr. Grimes would get a raise."
"Dear Your Honor,
Dr. Grimes is the best. He cured my subluxation in one visit but warned me that it might return if I don't come to see him every Thursday until I don't want to be healthy anymore. Who wouldn't want to be healthy. Not me. He also warned me that the fancy MRI I got in Lincoln wouldn't show any subluxations because the technology isn't sensitive enough. Only his special Thermodermatographoscope Subluxation Station, the only Thermodermatographoscope endorsed by the World Chiropractic Alliance and the Nebraska Practice Builders Association, can find them. You can't argue with science!
"Dear Mr. Mayor,
Did you know about the specials we are having this month at Tug's John Deere Outlet? Every kid gets their very own slightly used and minimally soiled John Deere Jr. if their father buys a tractor. I don't believe in chiropractors. They only focuse on the spine. My weekly colonic gets rid of all the toxins in my gut and that keeps me fit as a fiddle. It also keeps me from doing what the voices tell me to do. And I'll throw in a doll for the girls!
(Buy a tractor this month and get a new doll for your little princess!)
Saturday, May 27, 2006
The Mumps Are Coming: Are You Protected?.....
(Belvidere's town Doc, Frank Grimes.)
You may have noticed that I have not been posting very often over the past month or so. I am truly sorry for neglecting my sworn promise to bring awareness of the town of Belvidere to the world but a lot has been going on here. You have probably heard about the Mumps epidemic that is sweeping the heartland of America. Nebraska especially is under attack by this deadly and mysterious scourge. Belvidere has been spared so far but with reports of cases popping up in nearby towns it is only a matter of time. Luckily Belvidere's town primary care practitioner, Chiropractor Frank Grimes, has put together a sure fire way to protect yourself and he's asked that I help get the message out.
"Mumps: The Invisible Predator
How to protect yourself with the power of Chiropractic Medicine
Howdy fellow [Name of town]Belvidere citizens. You all know me as Dr. [Name of Chiropractor]Frank Grimes but you may not know that I am a chiropractor. What is chiropractic you ask? Well it's only the world's oldest and most successful system of healthcare that's all. Chiropractic adjustments of the spine have been used for thousands of years. There are even ancient cave drawings depicting cavemen chiropractors adjusting the backs of other cavemen and their pet dinosaurs. Socrates even wrote, "The only true way to cure any illness is with chiropractic adjustments." And he is known as the Father of Medicine!
So what do chiropractors do? They don't do anything. Sounds funny but it's true. Chiropractors just allow your body to naturally heal itself of any illness the way it was made to by God. God put a healing force in everyone that works through a system of small tubes in our bodies known as nerves. Nerves travel from your brain, through your spinal cord, and into every single cell in your body. Nerves tell our hearts to beat, our kidneys to concentrate urine, our back to not hurt, and even single cells what to do. That's why you die if your head is cut off or why hearts only work after being transplanted when the nerves are hooked back up to it.
So how does chiropractic play a part in the scientifically proven existence of nerves and thus the existence of the healing force from God? Well just imagine water flowing through a hose. If it gets pinched off then the water can't make its way through to water your garden or wash your car. That hose is just like your spinal cord. And the pinching happens when the bones that surround it, the vertebrae, are in a bad position thus blocking the healing force. Vertebrae can move into a bad position due to trauma, wearing backpacks on one shoulder, not taking supplements, or by having a bad mental attitude. This is called a subluxation. Chiropractors move the vertebrae back into the right position with an adjustment.
You may run into some chiropractors who give a different definition for what a subluxation is. And some medical doctors may even try to act like subluxations don't exist. Chiropractic science has proven their existence with thousands of years of empirical evidence so it is safe to ignore anyone who disagrees. And it has been proven in court that medical doctors lie because chiropractor are their biggest competitor. They want to keep you sick with immunizations and flouridated water so that you have to keep coming back to them over and over again for more drugs.
How do you find subluxations? Well it takes a very thorough history taking and a good physical exam. Many times chiropractors can find subluxations by feeling out of place vertebrae but there a number of great diagnostic devices to aid them. Subluxations can be rooted out by checking the temperature on either side of the spine, measuring the electrical current from the spine out through the skin, with special scales, and with xrays. With the grueling 4 years of training that chiropractors receive, not only can they interpret xrays to find subluxations but they can also diagnose and manage every disease process known to man. The government has proven that chiropractic education is as good as medical education and better in many respects. They only treat the disease while we treat the person by treating only the spine.
So what does the Mumps have to do with this? That's a great question and one that is not easy to answer because Chiropractic scientists have yet to figure out what causes the Mumps. But they have narrowed it down to a subluxation somewhere in the thoracic or lumbar regions. What we know for certain however is that if you have no subluxations then you can't get the Mumps or any other disease for that matter. This is why frequent chiropractic adjustments starting within minutes of birth are the key to living a long and healthy life. Why treat the symptoms with drugs and surgery when you can treat the cause: the subluxation.
Dr. [Insert Name of Chiropractor]Frank Grimes"
What a great article by Dr. Grimes. I had no idea that spinal health was so important. I'll be sure to make an appointment with Dr. Grimes today. So should you.
Friday, May 05, 2006
Sad News for Belvidere.....
(Move over Nissan. Belvidere has bigger and better things in store!)
It has recently come to my attention that the Nissan Motor Corporation has decided to build it's new headquarters in Nashville, Tennessee. I am both hurt and confused. You may remember that I petitioned Nissan to move its headquarters to Belvidere back in January. I thought that the abscence of a response meant that they were taking plenty of time to mull over such an important decision. But after coming across an article on the move I was shocked to discover that Nissan had already chosen Nashville 3 months prior to my letter. I would have thought that they would have had the decency to let us know. That way we might have avoided months of stomach turning anticipation. Well it's Nissan's loss. Belvidere will just move on to bigger and better things. We didn't need a multi-billion dollar corporation mucking up our beautiful town with it's fancy city folk. So it's on to plan B.
Saturday, April 29, 2006
A Link From Down Under
(The bloodthirsty Australian Wallabee, much like the Turkeys of southern Nebraska, often lure unsuspecting humans to a false sense of security before feasting on their tasty flesh.)
While surfing the net, I came across a website which had a link to my Belvidere blog. The name of the site is The Second Sight and is run by someone named EoR. I searched for hours and could find nothing about our fair city on the site other than the link and I'm just not sure how to handle this situation. Neither was anyone at the emergency town meeting held last night to discuss this. Not even Pearl Whitmire, the town historian and 3rd oldest citizen at 92 years young, knew what to do. Is this EoR friend or foe?
It says on his blog that he is from Australia. Now you and I both know that this is a despicable place that is overflowing with lawlessness as it is populated by prisoners and psychopaths. So perhaps we in Belvidere should be wary of this EoR. But did you know that it is also home to some of the world's deadliest and most ferocious predators such as the Wallabee and the Didgeridoo. There is also a creature there known as the Dingo that eats human infants for both sustenance and revenge as the Australians encroach on its natural habitiat, the Australian apple orchards of Western North Lochlaunshire. Here are a few more fascinating tidbits about Australia which I learned from the intranet and are beginning to help me get into EoR's head and formulate a plan:
1. Australia is an island, surrounded on all sides by the Australian ocean. This is a likely cause of their rampant mental health issues.
2. Australia was once a great underwater civilization know as Atlanica which due to the plate tectonics(another "scientific" theory not mentioned in the Bible) rose up to it's present day location around the time that the first every UFO was discovered in Roswell, New Mexico. Coincidence? Are they Australians or Australiens?
3. The people of Australia have a diet which consists primarily of a substance known as Vegemite which was invented by a scientist named Fred Walker in 1922. To this day noone has been able to figure out what Vegemite is, and Dr. Walker's papers were lost in the great Fire of Sydney in 1923. Some say it is a good source of Vitamin B while others say that it tastes very bad. Australians use over 3 trillion tons of the product yearly not only as food but to power many of their primitive conveyances.
4. In the 1980's,the Australias Prime Minister, Crocodile Dundee, came to America bringing the delightful children's game of Knifey-Spoony with him and winning the heart of the lovely Linda Kozlowsky amongst a subway full of onlookers and CIA Moles.
5. For some as of yet discovered reason, Australians prefer to cook their shrimp on top of dolls made by the Mattel corporation.
6. Australians are able to entire deep states of suspended animation where they slow their hearts beats considerably and lay motionless for hours. This is called Aboriginal trance and has become very popular in European clubs and dance halls.
That is only a taste of the wealth of information on Australia that I have found. I think it may take months to truly understand Australia and the potential subconscious motivations of EoR. For now I will place a link to his website and continue my research.
(An example of typical Austrlian architecture.)
The Boll Weevils are Here.....
(The Boll Weevil, herald of the Spring.)
The fine citizens of Belvidere welcome the coming of Spring with it's warmer weather, blooming flowers, and decrease in turkey-human altercations. But also with Spring comes the tornados, which seem to act more and more deliberately each year, and the lottery of young virgins set up to choose a sacrifice to the Demon of the Plains Tealeoni. But the good folks of Belvidere know how to find the silver lining of any cloud, even one that feasts on the pain and suffering of children. Springtime is also Boll Weevil time.
Many people don't know this but Boll Weevils are a perfect example of God's deliberate plan for this world and blatant evidence of design in nature. To imagine that a creature as complex as the Boll Weevil could have just happened by random chance boggles this Mayor's mind. As Chester Langerstrom, our resident Weevilologist, points out, Boll Weevils have 6 legs. If just one of those legs hadn't "evolved" it would fall over. Explain that evolutionists. And if evolution did bring about the Boll Weevil, how could it possibly have done it in only 6,000 years. I think it's pretty obvious to any rational bible literalist that the only explanation that makes sense is that a powerful being created the Boll Weevil in its present form and set it loose upon mankind as a punishment for homosexuality.
Bible scientists have conclusively proven that evolution doesn't exist because it is not mentioned in the only textbooks that matter, the Bible and the Baptist Bible Companion Study Guide. Now I can't speak for the Catholic Bible which as far as I know is wrong on several accounts. I can't imagine a more powerful sign of God's eternal love for man than when I sit on my porch gazing out upon the acres of cropland being consumed by these ravenous insects. It brings a tear to my eye and inspiration to spread the Word to my heart.
Thursday, April 27, 2006
Belvidere Lovers' Carnival Update
(Tea Leoni hates Belvidere and will stop at nothing to destroy it. But why???)
You may have noticed that I did not post the second edition to the Belvidere Lovers' Carnival. This was because I have not received any admissions. I don't understand why people would keep their love of this amazing town to themselves. It can't be a coincidence that nobody in the entire intranet sent in a submission. Someone must be behind this. I don't know how and I don't know why but I have a hunch who.
Sunday, April 16, 2006
Belvidere Lovers' Carnivale Edition 1
Here I am always going on and on about how much I love Belvidere without ever giving the rest of the world a chance to contribute. Many other groups of bloggers with similar interests put together weekly carnivals which combine several posts on a certain topic. Well I think that Belvidere should have its own. So please sit back and enjoy the first edition of the Belvidere Lovers' Carnivale.
Being new and all, there weren't any submissions so I had to go hunting for websites with good stuff to say about this great city. In the future, there will be a new edition every Sunday so feel free to submit your work. I'll accept anything with a focus on how wonderful Belviere is. Maybe you've visited while on vacation and want to mention how nice the facilities are over at the Rose Farm Bed and Breakfast or maybe you just drove in from Gilead for the Country Craft and Flea Market and loved meeting our fine citizens. Perhaps the beautiful sights and sounds of Belvidere inspired you to write a poem. Got a new recipe for delicious Belvidere corn? Do you have a suggestion for a new town slogan? It doesn't matter as long as it's about Belvidere.
Speaking of Belvidere. Did you know that before you make the drive into town you can go online to see what the weather will be like. But don't worry. Even if it's raining there will still be plenty to do. Folks around here love to wait out the storm over at Ronda's $2 Dollar Cafe while enjoying a big plate of their World Famous $3 Dollar Meatloaf. Not sure how to get around this bustling Top American City? Well then all you have to do is check out this map of the city.
Thursday, April 06, 2006
I've Been Tagged.....
Where was I one year ago?
One year ago I had just purchased my new computer, an ultra sleek Commodore 128, and was beginning to learn the basics. I'll never forget when my first email. It was to Slint Davidson, the Mayor of nearby Slang, Nebraska at the time. He was unable to respond to me because though he does have an email account, he has thus far refused the actual purchase and use of a computer. I guess not every Mayor can be as progressive as yours truly. His stodginess likely had something to do with his eventual ousting. The idea of a blog about this amazing town hadn't even been born yet but that doesn't mean I wasn't interested in getting the word out that Belvidere was a great place to live. I had spent thousands of dollars on advertisements in local papers around the region saying as much.
(My Commodore 128 computer system.)
Where was I five years ago?
Five years ago I was working had as the Mayor of Belvidere. They blizzard of 2001 had left much destruction in its path and the city was rebuilding. I still blame that storm for ruining my plans for the Belvidere Monorail System. We were turned down as a host for the 2002 Winter Olympics, a slight by the selection committee which I will likely never forget. Our NBC affiliate, located in nearby Gilead, Nebraska, doesn't air the Olympics but even if they did we wouldn't watch it.
(Vancouver can have the Olympics. We don't want them in Belvidere anyway!)
Where was I ten years ago?
Things were very different in Belvidere ten years ago. Ronda's meatloaf cost $2. Irregular sheep roamed the streets without shame. Shady Acres was correcting wayward teens by the dozens and turkey Death Brigades made life miserable for those living in the Southwest Quadrant. It was the year Reverend Watkins was mauled to death by a turkey in fact. I was much younger then in both body and spirit but I am much wiser now having learned from many hard lessons.
Thanks for the opportunity to share a little about myself.
Tuesday, March 28, 2006
It's Great To Be Back.....
(An example of the hand carved wooden greeting cards mailed by frontier laboratories to patients unlucky enough to have tested positive for Bloody Flux.)
You may have noticed that there has been somewhat of a lull in the frequency of my posting as of late. Sadly I have been in nearby Hebron, Nebraska arranging the affairs of my recently passed away Great Aunt Ephromina Jenkins. She lived until the ripe age 97 years young finally succumbing to the ravages of time and a bottle a day grain alcohol habit. I tried for years to get her to stop but she refused, citing a study published in 1860 in the Annals of Pioneer Medicine which associated decreased rates of Bloody Flux and Possum Fever among early settlers of Nebraska with daily grain alcohol ingestion.
With hindsight at my disposal, it is easy to point out the numerous flaws in this study:
1. There were, at the time, no established diagnostic criteria for either Bloody Flux or Possum Fever. Many of the included cases may actually have been of Prairie Rot or Sorghum Fever.
2. The type and amount of grain alcohol ingested was not taken into account.
3. Some of the participants were women.
4. Some of the participants were non-Christian.
5. Some of the participants were Chinese.
6. There was no use of healthy convicts as control subjects purposefully inoculated with Bloody Flux or Possum Fever.
7. The authors of the study were likely biased as they were also the producers of Hillbilly Jim's Bloody Flux and Possum Fever Tonic which consisted of over 90% grain alcohol.
8. The study was funded by the National Center for Complementary and Alternative Frontier Medicine.
Regardless of my earnest and persistent entreaties, my Great Aunt would not listen to reason. I guess that isn't too suprising considering how many years she spent in Hebron. They are known for their ill manners and unreasonable sheep policies. Many an irregular sheep has found refuge in Hebron. I'm sure glad to be back in my home town where the sheep are regular and the meatloaf costs $3 dollars.
(The Belvidere Possum, carrier of Possum Fever and right tasty with taters!)
Saturday, March 11, 2006
Belvidere Named to Top American Cities List.....
(Could the next Starbucks be on the corner of 7th and A Street? That's right. In Belvidere!)
I don't work as hard as I do as the Mayor of Belvidere for the glory. Mayoring one of America's best cities is rewarding for the simple fact that I happen to love this place and the people that live here. It is nice to see the fruits of my labors every now and then however. Well the juicy and ripened fruit is ready to pick and be enjoyed by all because just this week Belvidere has been named a Top American City by the Top American City Organization For Real Excellence in American Cities(TACOFREAC).
Belvidere will finally be receiving the recognition it deserves as it will be listed in the annual Where's Where Among American Cities book alongside other deserving cities such as Waterproof, Lousiana and Bucksnort, Tennessee. So how did Belvidere come to be included in this respected and hard earned listing of the best places to live in America?
Well first Belvidere had to be an outstanding top American city to be noticed by the selection committee at the Top American City Corporation. A representative of TACOFREAC came to Belvidere to give a presentation where he discussed the benefits of being named a top American city. According to the TACOFREAC representative, these benefits include but are not limited to, the name of our city being included in the Where's Where Among American Cities. This will surely lead to a Belviderean Renaissance as the best and the brightest minds will want to relocate to our town. New businesses will soon be popping up to fill the needs of the town's expanding numbers and minds. Belvidere might soon have a Starbucks on every corner just like in other top American cities like New York, Los Angeles, and Wilmington, Vermont.
But having our name etched in history alongside such established metropoli as New York and Wilmington is just the beginning. The town will also be eligible, for a nominal fee of only $5,000, to be named not just one of America's top cities but the top city amongst all top American cities. Just imagine the benefits. The bigwigs at Nissan would be fools to not set up their international headquarters in Belvidere. And for the bargain fee of only $10,000 Belvidere will have the opportunity to go head to head with such historically top cities as Paris, Prague, and Wagga Wagga, Australia. I think Belvidere is ready!
A plaque will also be awarded to place in the Mayor's Office.
Sunday, March 05, 2006
Belvidere Loves Corn!.....
(Belvidere corn is good for cooking and making stuff!)
Everybody loves corn, especially in Belvidere where almost .003% of the nations corn crop is grown. But just about everybody has their own unique way of preparing these delicious golden God nuggets. If you asked me, I like it the old fashioned way. That's on the cob with plenty of butter for those of you who are new to town. Some of the younger fellows like more modern preperations such as corn chowder, creamed corn, or corn fritters. Still others prefer more traditional recipes like corn pudding or a delicious plate of steamed corn. Hmmmmm, steamed corn. Goes great with brisket and cheese curd.
One thing even long time Belvidere residents might not realize is that, in addition to the countless recipes featuring corn, this wondercrop is used to make a variety of products found in the average American home. In fact, you might even be wearing Belvidere corn right now. Probably not, but maybe! Here is just a sample of the myriad of products made from Belvidere corn:
1. Corn hair is used for wigs, toupes, and false eyelashes.
2. Corn husks can be woven into warm but suprisingly uncomfortable blankets.
3. Leftover corn cobs are often used as insulation for homes despite the fact that they are quite flammable when dry.
4. Corn can be fermented into a harsh liquid perfect for sipping on cold Nebraska nights or for running your generator and/or tractor.
5. When planted, corn seeds grows into plants which yield additional corn.
6. Do you like modern electronic equipment? Me too but corn plays no role in its production.
7. And more!
So the next time you are enjoying a cold corn salad on Sunday afternoon, remember that there is more to corn than just eating.
Thursday, March 02, 2006
Belvidere's Milton Butts' Drive In Bonanza.....
(Milton Butts, standing in front of his drive-in theater in Belvidere, Nebraska.)
Before Milton Butts moved to Belvidere from New York in the Fall of 2003 for what are thus far unrevealed reasons, the citizens of this up and coming city were forced to watch television at home. Located on the corner of 6th and D Street, next to the railroad tracks, the theater built by Mr. Butts came into existence quite by accident. "I was building an airplane hanger but after I had the first wall up I realized what I had here. A big white wall! The rest just fell into place like bodies down an embankment." When asked why he was building an airplane hanger, Mr. Butts left hurriedly with a concerned look on his face. "I'm not hiding anything!" he yelled as he ran into the distance towards the old abandoned mine.
Though Mr. Butts has not lived in Belvidere long, he has already stirred up a great deal of intense debate amongst the townspeople. Maynard Jergens, Belvidere's only homeless person and man who has long been rumored to be the heir to the billion dollar Jergen's fortune, is no stranger to intrigue and is concerned about the damage that Milton Butts might do to Belvidere's public image. "I don't like him with his leather pants and New York accent. He don't belong around here! You gonna eat that sandwich?", Mr. Jergens, wielder of two of the most supple and luxurious hands in Belvidere if not all of Thayer county including Davenport and Shickley, had to say.
(Maynard Jergens and his silky hands. Belvidere bachelor extraordinaire.)
Milton Butts' Drive In Bonanza has been a hit since the first night it opened with a screening of Family Man, a film starring Nicholas Cage and Tea Leoni, which was the most recent movie available at the time. Ms. Leoni was unfortunately unable to attend the ribbon cutting ceremony, a snub which Mr. Butts seemed to take very personally. "People who cross me have a way of winding up dead. I'm just saying that maybe little miss too good to make an appearance at my theater might come to regret turning down an invitation from Milton Butts." Well folks around Belvidere know better, especially this Wednesday night when Little Nicky starring Adam Sandler will be shown. And Wednesday nights are popcorn half price night.
(Actress Tea Leoni. Why does she hate Belvidere so much?)
Monday, February 27, 2006
The Verdict Is In: Way To Go Sarah!.....
(Sarah Nashville, winner of ABC's The Single Guy.)
Belvidere may be a little out of the way but that doesn't mean Single Guy fever hasn't spread to southern Nebraska. Every Monday night the entire town has gathered at Milton Butt's Drive In Bonanza to listen to Milton, the owner of the town's only satellite television, give a recap of that night's episode. Finally after two grueling months of cut throat dating, Podiatrist Tarvis Stark has chosen Sarah Nashville. The most amazing thing is that Ms. Nashville is actually from the same town that Tarvis grew up in. What a coincidence! We here in Belvidere wish for a long and happy future for the newly engaged couple.
Monday, February 20, 2006
Public Service Announcement: Captain Abstinence to Visit Belvidere.....
(Captain Abstinence, a super hero fighting the crime of pre-marital, extra-marital, and most instances of post-marital intercourse.)
After many months of letters, phone calls, and electronic mails, I have been able to arrange a visit from Captain Abstinence to our fine town. I have been concerned about Belvidere's growing rate of teenage pregnancies for a while. Did you know that since 1996 the rate of pregnancies in women aged 13 to 19 has increased to .0125 per year. This is up from the rate of 0.00 per year that had been consistent for more than 5 decades. And now that Shady Acres Correctional Facility for Wayward Teens is closing, my concern is that teenagers who were avoiding pregnancy out of fear of being imprisoned are now going to start having babies like there's no tomorrow. This is why I have fought to get Captain Abstinence, a well recognized role model for teenagers around the world, to visit the Belvidere schoolhouse and spread his scientifically backed message of abstinence.
Captain Abstinence teaches how abstinence is not only the best way to avoid unwanted pregnancy but that it is also the best way to avoid sexually transmitted diseases and hell. He also takes the time to explain how for years liberal doctors, feminists, and gays have been giving the public bad information in so-called sexual education classes. I've read his book, I subscribe to his monthly newsletter "The Abstinence Almanac", and I am a member of the online Super Abstinence Club. Here is a sample of what I've learned and what Captain Abstinence will be teaching the Belivere teens:
Condoms prevent STD's.
Condoms actually increase the risk of acquiring an STD. Studies done at the Captain Abstinence Institute of Studies in Mexico(CAISM) have conclusively proven that condom use leads to a 1 in 5 chance of being infected with HIV, syphilis, gonorrhea, chlamydia, and HPV regardless of whether your partner is infected with any of these diseases.
Condoms prevent pregnancy.
Despite what your doctor or teacher may have told you, condoms do not prevent pregnancy. In fact, experiments performed at the CAISM have revealed that condom use actually makes a woman more likely to become pregnant with the resulting child likely to be retarded.
God says it's okay to use condoms, IUD's, OCP's or other birth control methods.
This is quite false. Scientific studies of the bible have shown beyond doubt that non-abstinence birth control methods anger god and are a one way ticket to eternal torment in a lake of fire. This is not a religious statement but is a scientifically verified fact.
It's okay to have sex once you are married.
While pre-marital and extra-marital sex are clearly sins worthy of a endless cycle of pain and regret, many people are unsure when it comes to intercourse with their spouse. The answer, revealed in our labs at the CAISM, is that sex is never okay if physical or psychological enjoyment results. Only when sex has been reduced to a disgusting physical act necessary only for the furthering of our species, but otherwise despised, is it okay in the eyes of the Lord.
I hope that the whole town turns out when Captain Abstinence visits Belvidere. I just bet we can all learn a thing or two. I'll get back to you on the date as soon as it is set and confirmed.
Tuesday, February 14, 2006
Everything Must Go!.....
(Shady Acres Correctional Facility for Wayward Teens)
I have some sad new to tell you today. We will soon be saying goodbye to a Belvidere institution. In just a few weeks, the Shady Acres Correctional Facility for Wayward Teens, a fixture in Belvidere for over 50 years will be closing it's doors due to a lack of funds. On an unrelated note, I now have 50 barely used electric chairs to unload. If anyone is interested please stop by the Mayor's Office. The "Wrecking Ball" Ball will be held on March 1st to celebrate Shady Acres' 52 years of service to the community.
(Slap Abbott, 12 year old wayward teen set to be executed on February 28th, is the last remaining occupant of Shady Acres.)
"Fat babies are not only appreciated, they are encouraged. What does this have to do with fashion? A fat baby is a wonderful accessory for any family because they are healthy and serve as a potential source of sustenance during our harsh Nebraska winters."
Now I can understand how some people misunderstood the point I was trying to make. I wasn't saying that you should literally wear an overweight young child like some kind of scarf or hatpin. That would be ridiculous and quite difficult. What I meant was that a fat baby is a wonderful blessing just like a strong Christian community or a 5-legged cow. Also when a hard freeze limits the town's ability to obtain food you can eat your baby.
In a gesture of good will, and apology, I have sent to all the families in Belvidere with young children a hand-crafted antique child's sitting chair. I think it will make a fine addition to any house as it is as handsome as it is sturdy.
(A brand new children's chair courtesy of the Mayor's Office!)
Tuesday, February 07, 2006
Dress for Success.....
(The great Johnny Rodgers)
A wise man once told me that you have to dress for success. That man was Johnny Rodgers, winner of the 1972 Heisman Trophy while playing for the National Champion Nebraska Cornhuskers. What Dr. Rodgers said during his speech at Lincoln's downtown Howard Johnson that day made a big impression on me. You've got to dress for success. I want Belvidere to be successful so starting immediately I am instituting a new and mandatory dress code. Violators will be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law. And in pouring over the town's charter and legal codes going back almost 200 years I have found some very pertinent laws to help guide the citizens of this city:
1. Fat babies are not only appreciated, they are encourage. What does this have to do with fashion? A fat baby is a wonderful accessory for any family because they are healthy and serve as a potential source of sustenance during our harsh Nebraska winters. The specific dress code that this picture,my grand niece Robertha by the way, illustrates is the proper use of suspenders. Code 14S2b clearly states that all citizens over the age of 6 months shall be placed in suspended britches while in public. This baby would not have been drawn and quartered unless she had been unfortunate enough to have been born prior to 1992 when suspenders were still considered treasonous.
2. This gentleman is abiding by the "suspenders in public" code beautifully. He is however brazenly ignoring dress code 27D1a which declares that the adornment of one's head with an American flag is encouraged however it should not be accompanied by assorted pins of any kind unless they too are of the American flag or, if approved by the town council at the beginning of each year, a 1972 Cornhuskers pin. This man would be shot on sight if he had lived in the mid 1970's. Of note, his female companion is the former Lynn Cauley of Carleton, Nebraska. She has moved here after marrying Clift Broughton, Belvidere's resident expert on sheep husbandry. No irregulars for over 10 years! Keep up the great work Clift.
That's enough for now. More dress code updates to come later. Have a blessed day Belviderians!
Tuesday, January 31, 2006
Big Business for Belvidere?
(An artists rendition of Nissan's plans for a new global headquarters.)
Is Belvidere ready to play host to the headquarters of a multi-national corporation such as Nissan? I think we are and I've sent a letter to the President of the company telling him so. Belvidere may be a small town but I am convinced that it is ready for bigger and better things. We have so much to offer and I think that Belvidere would be a perfect place for Nissan. Here's the letter I sent. Hopefully we will hear back soon.
Dear President of Nissan,
My name is Spooner Jenkins and I am the mayor of the wonderful town of Belvidere, Nebraska. Belvidere is a bustling community of just under 100 people but you would never know it. Just take a stroll down scenic A Street, home of Grandma's convenience store, and enjoy the peace and tranquility. You would never know that you were strolling through a town with over 15 streets and two seperate railroad tracks. Despite this, Belviderians pride themselves on their simple country attitutudes and good old fashioned hospitality.
And every October we have our annual Country Craft and Flea Market extravaganza. I'm sure the hardworking executives of Nissan could use a little time for fun and nothing is more fun than an entire day exploring the Thayer county museum, checking out what's for sale at one of the tens of booths, and listening to Lil Jim Barton and the Belvidere Playboys. And be sure to bring your cow!
Need to wine and dine some big clients? Why not treat them to a night at the Rose Farm Bed and Breakfast? There's hiking, whittling for couples, and Yatzee tournaments every Saturday afternoon before dinner. That's right, Yahtzee! And Bernetta sure can make up a mess of vittles. Is that a 5-legged cow? It sure is. And there won't be an irregular sheep in sight guaranteed or you stay for half price.
If you build your headquarters in Belvidere, there will be ample parking for all of your employees.
(Ample parking available for Nissan employees in nearby Carleton, Nebraska!)
(Lil Jim Barton and the Belvidere Playboys. That's right, Big Jim is back after his stint in Nebraska State Penitentiary!)
Saturday, January 28, 2006
(A sign posted outside of Jimron Watkin's house on the corner of 9th and C street. Check out a map of the city at http://maps.google.com/maps?oi=map&q=Belvidere,+NE)
Despite what I consider to be an entirely positive program, the Turkeys For Children campaign has received some unexpected criticism. The following is a letter from a concerned parent of a student at Belvidere's town school. Of note I am also the school board in Belvidere.
Dear Mayor/Superintendent Jenkins,
My name is Jimron Watkins and my son, Jimron Jr., and daughter, Susabell, and I attend the town school here in Belvidere. Jimron and his sister were given a turkey as part of your Turkeys For Children campaign and while Susabell feels this is a dream come true I would be remiss if I didn't bring to light some reservations that I have. I have long had a deep seated hatred of turkeys, or demon birds, as I think of them. It would be easy to blame this on the fact that my wife, the late Reverend Blanche Watkins, was mauled to death by one of those vicious creatures(see attached photo) but there is much more to it. Consider the following facts about Turkeys:
1. Forty-five million turkeys are eaten each Thanksgiving. Nineteen million turkeys are eaten each Easter. Twenty-two million turkeys are eaten each Christmas.
2. The average American eats 17.4 pounds of turkey per year.
3. The American Indians hunted wild turkey for its sweet, juicy meat as early as 1000 A.D. Turkey feathers were used to stabilize arrows and adorn ceremonial dress, and the spurs on the legs of wild tom turkeys were used as projectiles on arrowheads.
4. Turkey skins are tanned and used to make cowboy boots and belts.
5. Turkeys can see movement almost a hundred yards away.
6. Wild turkeys can fly for short distances up to 55 miles per hour.
7. Wild turkeys can run 20 miles per hour.
8. Wild turkeys spend the night in trees.
9. A grouping of wild turkeys is called a "death brigade".
10. Wild turkey's, if given the opportunity, will kill you and everyone you love.
I think these facts speak for themselves Mr. Mayorintendent but let me fill you in on the situation outside of town at the front lines of the war raging between humans and turkeys for domination of southern Nebraska. The wild turkey population in Nebraska numbers well into the millions with a large percentage in the region which includes Belvidere. These Death Brigades are known to have sent in wave after wave of scouts in apparent suicide missions to test Belvidere's perimeter defenses.
They have begun to focus these efforts on the weaker segments of the perimeter in the southwest quadrant. Despite this my petitions for the use of land mines have gone unanswered. If something is not done now we will soon face a crisis of unprecedented proportions. Before you know it, these keen eyed, swift footed, and fast flying demon birds will reign death from above on the inhabitants of Belvidere from their stategic treetop positions. It will be bloody and the last sounds we will here are their terrifying gobbles of victory.
Thank you for your time,
(The late Reverend Blanche Watkins just seconds before she was senslessly mauled to death by a wild turkey just outside of Belvidere, Nebraska.)
Friday, January 27, 2006
Every Child Deserves a Turkey!
(Susabell Watkins holding the turkey provided for her under the Turkeys For Children campaign.)
I would like to congratulate all of the people who took part in my Turkeys For Children campaign. It has been a huge success. And the children of Belvidere might still be turkyless without the help of a lot of people. Thanks for all of your hard work.
Wednesday, January 25, 2006
Frierson Taxidermy: #1 in Belvidere for a Really Long Time!
(My dog Buck, immortilized forever!)
(From the very popular Tail-Up series.)
(Stymie III, Belvidere's town mascot.)
The Frierson Photo: The Real Deal or a Phony Photo.....
(Duane Frierson, Belvidere taxidermist and controversial photographer)
Some say that on a clear day in Belvidere you can see straight to Heaven. But for Duane Frierson, the town's taxidermist and only known camera owner, the typically beautiful scenery was replaced with the hellish image of The Batman of Belvidere. At least that is what he claims was captured by his Contaflex 126, a camera he has owned since 1972 when it was manufactured briefly but discontinued due to poor sales.
"It don't work good.", Duane can often be heard saying. Duane has rarely been heard saying anything else as he has suffered from communication difficulties since being caught in a wheat thresher as a young child. Other common phrases, or Duanisms, as they have affectionately come to be known as, are "Yep, smells like rain's a comin.", "Y'all got any biscuits?", "Somebody answer that dang telerphone!", "Ain't nothin but pig ears!", and "y'all git off my porch before I sick my dog on ya!". Duane has other means of communicating however. He can point to the things he wants. He laughs when he's happy, he cries when he's sad, and when he's scared he tinkles.
The infamous Frierson photo, hailed by many as definative proof of the Batman of Belvidere, is also considered by some skeptics to be an obvious fake. Crady Spears, Captain of the town's volunteer fire brigade and rescue squad, says that "Ain't no Power Rangers been around these parts in nigh on 40 years. Damn unions!" The controversy is likely to rage on for years or at least until Batty is caught.
(The 1972 Contaflex 126 used by Mr. Frierson for to catelogue his taxidermy and allegedly to capture the elusive Batman of Belvidere on film.)
(The controversial Frierson photo.)
Saturday, January 21, 2006
The Batman of Belvidere.....
When visiting the fine town of Belvidere, be sure to talk to our colorful citizens about the legend of the Batman of Belvidere. Records of sightings of the Batman of Belvidere, or "Batty", can be traced back to the early years of the 19th century. Many credit the monster with the decimation of the irregular sheep population in these parts though the town's resident sheep scientist, and most vocal critic of anti-irregular sheep laws, Murry "Mudpiles" Larkin blames the tense interactions between Belviderians and the local Native American populations during most of the 1800's. Local tribes harbor an almost intense hatred of irregular sheep and this deep rooted fear sometimes led to the breakdown of any peaceful negotiations.
Over the past few decades there has been a resurgence of Batty sightings. A scientist from nearby Carleton, Nebraska, who asked to remain anonymous, feels that this is likely due to an increase in seismic activity resulting from the secret installation of nuclear missile silos deep underground on the outskirts of Belvidere. He revealed during our interview that, "Batty sightings, along with the increasing prevalence of reported encounters with Bigfoot, The Loch Ness Monster, El Chupacabra, and many more monsters around the world, are a clear sign of a government conspiracy to control the weather!"
But folks around Belvidere just think that Batty has woken up from a long nap and is ready to feed on the warm blood of irregular sheep, the mainstay of it's diet. But with the dwindling population of the hated irregular sheep, some have come to fear that it may turn his lustful appetite on the townspeople or the ever precarious supply of Ronda's $3 Dollar Meatloaf.
Despite the hundreds of credible eye witnesses such as Bort Hickson, Belvidere's oldest citizen at 117 years old and owner of Grandma's, there are those that remain skeptical of Batty's existence. They point to the controversial Frierson photo, thought by many to be the best proof that Batty is more than just a figment of a small town's imagination, as an obvious and poorly manufactured hoax. As with most things here in Belvidere, only time will tell. And time is something we have a lot of around here.