Suprising Criticism.....

(A sign posted outside of Jimron Watkin's house on the corner of 9th and C street. Check out a map of the city at http://maps.google.com/maps?oi=map&q=Belvidere,+NE)

Despite what I consider to be an entirely positive program, the Turkeys For Children campaign has received some unexpected criticism. The following is a letter from a concerned parent of a student at Belvidere's town school. Of note I am also the school board in Belvidere.

Dear Mayor/Superintendent Jenkins,

My name is Jimron Watkins and my son, Jimron Jr., and daughter, Susabell, and I attend the town school here in Belvidere. Jimron and his sister were given a turkey as part of your Turkeys For Children campaign and while Susabell feels this is a dream come true I would be remiss if I didn't bring to light some reservations that I have. I have long had a deep seated hatred of turkeys, or demon birds, as I think of them. It would be easy to blame this on the fact that my wife, the late Reverend Blanche Watkins, was mauled to death by one of those vicious creatures(see attached photo) but there is much more to it. Consider the following facts about Turkeys:

1. Forty-five million turkeys are eaten each Thanksgiving. Nineteen million turkeys are eaten each Easter. Twenty-two million turkeys are eaten each Christmas.
2. The average American eats 17.4 pounds of turkey per year.
3. The American Indians hunted wild turkey for its sweet, juicy meat as early as 1000 A.D. Turkey feathers were used to stabilize arrows and adorn ceremonial dress, and the spurs on the legs of wild tom turkeys were used as projectiles on arrowheads.
4. Turkey skins are tanned and used to make cowboy boots and belts.
5. Turkeys can see movement almost a hundred yards away.
6. Wild turkeys can fly for short distances up to 55 miles per hour.
7. Wild turkeys can run 20 miles per hour.
8. Wild turkeys spend the night in trees.
9. A grouping of wild turkeys is called a "death brigade".
10. Wild turkey's, if given the opportunity, will kill you and everyone you love.

I think these facts speak for themselves Mr. Mayorintendent but let me fill you in on the situation outside of town at the front lines of the war raging between humans and turkeys for domination of southern Nebraska. The wild turkey population in Nebraska numbers well into the millions with a large percentage in the region which includes Belvidere. These Death Brigades are known to have sent in wave after wave of scouts in apparent suicide missions to test Belvidere's perimeter defenses.

They have begun to focus these efforts on the weaker segments of the perimeter in the southwest quadrant. Despite this my petitions for the use of land mines have gone unanswered. If something is not done now we will soon face a crisis of unprecedented proportions. Before you know it, these keen eyed, swift footed, and fast flying demon birds will reign death from above on the inhabitants of Belvidere from their stategic treetop positions. It will be bloody and the last sounds we will here are their terrifying gobbles of victory.

Thank you for your time,
Jimron Watkins













(The late Reverend Blanche Watkins just seconds before she was senslessly mauled to death by a wild turkey just outside of Belvidere, Nebraska.)

Sincerely,
Spooner Jenkins

Every Child Deserves a Turkey!

(Susabell Watkins holding the turkey provided for her under the Turkeys For Children campaign.)

I would like to congratulate all of the people who took part in my Turkeys For Children campaign. It has been a huge success. And the children of Belvidere might still be turkyless without the help of a lot of people. Thanks for all of your hard work.

Sincerely,
Spooner Jenkins

Frierson Taxidermy: #1 in Belvidere for a Really Long Time!

In the competitive world of taxidermy, you can't argue with results. And nobody gets results better than Duane Frierson at Frierson Taxidermy. He has been a certified taxidermist for over a decade and specializes in dead animals. He's been number one in Belvidere for a really long time and was the only taxidermist qualified to handle the remains of my dog Buck. Here's Buck and some more examples of Duane's fine work.


(My dog Buck, immortilized forever!)




















(From the very popular Tail-Up series.)




















(Stymie III, Belvidere's town mascot.)

Sincerely,

Spooner Jenkins

The Frierson Photo: The Real Deal or a Phony Photo.....

(Duane Frierson, Belvidere taxidermist and controversial photographer)

Some say that on a clear day in Belvidere you can see straight to Heaven. But for Duane Frierson, the town's taxidermist and only known camera owner, the typically beautiful scenery was replaced with the hellish image of The Batman of Belvidere. At least that is what he claims was captured by his Contaflex 126, a camera he has owned since 1972 when it was manufactured briefly but discontinued due to poor sales.

"It don't work good.", Duane can often be heard saying. Duane has rarely been heard saying anything else as he has suffered from communication difficulties since being caught in a wheat thresher as a young child. Other common phrases, or Duanisms, as they have affectionately come to be known as, are "Yep, smells like rain's a comin.", "Y'all got any biscuits?", "Somebody answer that dang telerphone!", "Ain't nothin but pig ears!", and "y'all git off my porch before I sick my dog on ya!". Duane has other means of communicating however. He can point to the things he wants. He laughs when he's happy, he cries when he's sad, and when he's scared he tinkles.

The infamous Frierson photo, hailed by many as definative proof of the Batman of Belvidere, is also considered by some skeptics to be an obvious fake. Crady Spears, Captain of the town's volunteer fire brigade and rescue squad, says that "Ain't no Power Rangers been around these parts in nigh on 40 years. Damn unions!" The controversy is likely to rage on for years or at least until Batty is caught.

(The 1972 Contaflex 126 used by Mr. Frierson for to catelogue his taxidermy and allegedly to capture the elusive Batman of Belvidere on film.)






(The controversial Frierson photo.)










Sincerely,
Spooner Jenkins