Wednesday, July 19, 2006

The Baptists Speak Out Against Horizontal Cows.....

The Discovery Channel crew has wrapped up shooting and let me tell you I couldn't be happier about it. Those Hollyweird types just aren't cut out for country living, even in a top Amercian city like Belvidere. And I fear that their influence has effected the decent but impressionable folks of Belvidere, especially the children. In fact, things have changed a lot around here and not for the better.

Greed got the best of Ronda. Her $3 Dollar Meatloaf costs 10 bucks now and she started serving bottled water. If you're too good for delicious Belvidere Brown straight from the tap then maybe your just too good for Belvidere. Then Grandma's started carrying all kinds of sinful products like calling cards and fancy moisturizer creams. I tell you if God meant for our skin to be soft he'd of given us fur. Even the way people talk has changed. I heard young Tilly Woodard tell her mother to "just chill out" right there on E street by the Post Office. It's shamefull.

I am curious to see the documentary when it comes out. They were pretty impressed with what has been going on here and rightfully so as Horizontal Cow sightings have become more frequent than ever. Folks around here are starting to worry that this could be a sign of the end of days prophesized in the Good Book. I think they might be right.

People are seeking guidance in these troubled times and when that happens the Belvidere Baptist Church, of which I am a proud member, always comes to the aid of those in need. There are many theories as to the source of the Horizontal Cow Phenomenon but the church elders don't accept that aliens, tornadoes, or sneaky farmers are behind it. They know who is to blame and that is Lucifer himself. And if Belvidere doesn't repent and change its wicked ways the Horizontal Cows will be the end of this town. They just might finish what the irregular sheep and turkey Death Brigades started. The church is speaking out against the rampant sin that is plaguing our fair town in sermons, on street corners, and in pamphlets brought door to door every Sunday afternoon.

But this isn't the first time the church has focused its attention on matters of extreme importance to the Belvidere. They have come to our rescue in the past. Here are few other things that the Belvidere Baptist Church has spoken out against as well as why they did so:

1. Evolution- False religion and source of all the world's evils
2. Same sex Marriage-Scientifically proven to be immoral
3. Australia-Home to insane criminals
4. Genetically modified crops-The cause of most illness and will lead to superpowerful insects
5. Sex for other than the purpose of making babies-Also scientifically proven to be immoral
6. The Belvidere Jesus Tortilla-A false idol
7. Belvidere's giant ball of floss-A false idol
8. Turnip picking after Founder's Day-Forbidden in Deuteronomy 12:17 as well a Psalm 218
9. Irregular sheep-Forged by Lucifer himself
10. Turkeys-Satan's right hand
11. Taxidermy-Occult wickedness
12. Electric guitars-Satan's instrument to seduce our children into evil rock and/or roll
13. Wayward teens-Satan's minions on earth
14. Possum fever-Pastor Bob once had this
15. Tea Leoni-The bride of Satan or perhaps the antichrist

I'll keep everyone posted.

Spooner Jenkins


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