Mothers Against Timmy Tobacco's Wacky Shack.....
(Gladys Keiser, head of MATTWS and owner of Gladys's Hair Parlor.)
I had no idea that the opening of a Timmy Tobacco's Wacky Shack here in Belvidere, further proof that this is truly a top American city as far as I'm concerned, would upset some of our citizens. But apparantly Gladys Keiser and a few other women, mostly members of her long running craft club, are not at all happy about it. Just this morning I received the following letter:
"Dear Mayor Jenkins,
My name is Gladys Keiser and I am a local businesswoman. You may have heard of Gladys's Hair Parlor where your wife has had her hair permanented going on 40 years. I also host a weekly craft club which boasts many of the towns female elders as members. We were responsible for last years winning Christmas Eve display. Your wife is not a member. I am writing to you to voice our concern over the upcoming opening of a Timmy Tobacco's Wacky Shack right here in our beautiful town. We have many such concerns however I will list some of the most important ones:
1. Tobacco has long been considered by scientists and doctors to have harmful effects on children's hair. Any Salonstress worth her mincing gel knows that smoker's hair is brittle and doesn't take up color well.
2. Although delicious and healthsome, tobacco leads to increasing self-confidence which may lead to feelings of self-doubt and worthlessness in the children who do not smoke or otherwise use tobacco.
3. Cigarettes contain over sixty ingredients. Ingredients are also found in many toxic chemicals and poisons as well as acid rain.
4. It is wrong for the children of Belvidere to enjoy tobacco and tobacco products when there are so many children around the world who must go without tobacco.
5. Although cigarrettes are a wholesome source of tar and ash, there are ways for them to get their daily recommended allowance that keep our money where it belongs and not hand it over to a greedy corporation. Jut Framington has a tar pond and an ash pile just ripe for the scoopin!
Mayor Jenkins I trust that you will take these words to heart. Belvidere doesn't need some fancy city store like Timmy Tobacco's even if the owner is from these parts. And our children don't need to rely on tobacco, as wonderful as it is, to stay fit and healthy. Take heed Mr. Jenkins. You surely do not want to find yourself at odds with the craft club. Give my regards to your lovely wife.