Thursday, August 17, 2006

Tobacco Fever About to Hit Belvidere.....




















(Tim-Bob "Timmy Tobacco" Alvarez. He's great with kids.)

If you grew up like me, and most folk around these parts, then you know the enjoyment that tobacco can bring to the entire family. Whether it's from a nice pipe while relaxing in front of the fire or the smile that a steaming bowl of tobacco soup brings to your children's faces in the winter, tobacco is a valuable part of Belvidere society. Of course there are many more uses for this wonderous example of God's love for his chosen people, especially those right here in southern Nebraska:

1. A powerful remedy for colic. Just sprinkle some into your infant's formula or goat milk.
2. A sturdy pest repellant. Just apply a tobacco past around your house with special attention to doors and windows.
3. A flavorsome spice to improve any recipe. Nothing beats my own personal creation, "Tobacco Taters".
4. A soothing remedy for a bothersome cough. Just soak some tobacco leaves in hot water, add some honey and lemon, and gargle.
5. A calmitive for those restless nights. Just sprinkle an amount to your liking into a warm bath and bask in the aroma. But be careful not to fall asleep in the tub.

And there are many more that you'll discover with a little hard thinking and elbow grease. But there is so much more to the miracle plant than home remedies and fancy fixins. I'll never forget how tobacco brought my family together and added layers of enjoyment to special occasions. Seeing the love and cigars that my parents shared on their anniversary celebrations gave me immense joy. I still often think back to those mornings, smoking with my brother and sister while waiting for the schoolbus and talking about our dreams for the future. I couldn't imagine not having tobacco in my life. It's a shame those two aren't with us anymore. The doctors never did find out what caused the lung cancer.

So naturally I couldn't be more excited about the coming of a Timmy Tobacco's Wacky Shack to Belvidere. Now children of all ages will have the opportunity to enjoy a healthy dose of Vitamin T. In fact, studies show that children who smoke are 98% more likely to go on to smoke as adults, or at least until they die. And adults who smoke lead vibrant sophisticated lives. The same study found that the 2% of children who stop smoking also are more likely to suffer from problems associated with old age. You wouldn't want to risk that so why should your kids?

I can't wait for the grand opening. I'll be there to cut the ribbon and to wish my good buddy and Belvidere native Tim-Bob Alvarez, also know as Timmy Tobacco, good luck. Won't you join me?

Sincerely,
Spooner Jenkins

4 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

This post is terrible. Don't you know about the dangers of smoking? And to give it to children is beyond despicable. You should be ashamed Mr. Jenkins. I feel sorry for your town, especially its children. How many have to die before you realize how ignorant you are.

You and your whole town should stop whatever they are doing and buy my book, "Tobacco:It Actually is Not Good for You But Is Actually Very Bad for You!". In fact, I'll send you a free copy today. Just send $19 postage and handling to my address:

Sandrelle Shitake
1312 Laguna Heights
Laguna, California 90228

IT MAY SAVE YOUR LIFE!

7:52 AM  
Blogger The Laundress said...

Oh, Punkin'

Sandrelle is 110% right.

You are so WRONG.

But here is what I really need to know:

is the mercury in my dental fillings poisoning me?

Uh, especially since I continually chew Nicorette, and much scientific evidence supports the fact that nicotine gum is especially effective at leaching the mercury out of dental amalgams.

Uh, your absurdly anonymous and tubby middle aged fan,

who would NEVER criticize you or your peers for hopelessly falling in love with a cute teenager.

with naked appreciation,
to the whole community of Belvidere.

Um, isn't that an oasis?

8:55 PM  
Blogger beepbeepitsme said...

This old bugger looks like an old uncle of mine..lol

10:06 PM  
Blogger Quit smoking said...

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9:40 PM  

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