Public Service Announcement: Captain Abstinence to Visit Belvidere.....
(Captain Abstinence, a super hero fighting the crime of pre-marital, extra-marital, and most instances of post-marital intercourse.)
After many months of letters, phone calls, and electronic mails, I have been able to arrange a visit from Captain Abstinence to our fine town. I have been concerned about Belvidere's growing rate of teenage pregnancies for a while. Did you know that since 1996 the rate of pregnancies in women aged 13 to 19 has increased to .0125 per year. This is up from the rate of 0.00 per year that had been consistent for more than 5 decades. And now that Shady Acres Correctional Facility for Wayward Teens is closing, my concern is that teenagers who were avoiding pregnancy out of fear of being imprisoned are now going to start having babies like there's no tomorrow. This is why I have fought to get Captain Abstinence, a well recognized role model for teenagers around the world, to visit the Belvidere schoolhouse and spread his scientifically backed message of abstinence.
Captain Abstinence teaches how abstinence is not only the best way to avoid unwanted pregnancy but that it is also the best way to avoid sexually transmitted diseases and hell. He also takes the time to explain how for years liberal doctors, feminists, and gays have been giving the public bad information in so-called sexual education classes. I've read his book, I subscribe to his monthly newsletter "The Abstinence Almanac", and I am a member of the online Super Abstinence Club. Here is a sample of what I've learned and what Captain Abstinence will be teaching the Belivere teens:
Condoms prevent STD's.
Condoms actually increase the risk of acquiring an STD. Studies done at the Captain Abstinence Institute of Studies in Mexico(CAISM) have conclusively proven that condom use leads to a 1 in 5 chance of being infected with HIV, syphilis, gonorrhea, chlamydia, and HPV regardless of whether your partner is infected with any of these diseases.
Condoms prevent pregnancy.
Despite what your doctor or teacher may have told you, condoms do not prevent pregnancy. In fact, experiments performed at the CAISM have revealed that condom use actually makes a woman more likely to become pregnant with the resulting child likely to be retarded.
God says it's okay to use condoms, IUD's, OCP's or other birth control methods.
This is quite false. Scientific studies of the bible have shown beyond doubt that non-abstinence birth control methods anger god and are a one way ticket to eternal torment in a lake of fire. This is not a religious statement but is a scientifically verified fact.
It's okay to have sex once you are married.
While pre-marital and extra-marital sex are clearly sins worthy of a endless cycle of pain and regret, many people are unsure when it comes to intercourse with their spouse. The answer, revealed in our labs at the CAISM, is that sex is never okay if physical or psychological enjoyment results. Only when sex has been reduced to a disgusting physical act necessary only for the furthering of our species, but otherwise despised, is it okay in the eyes of the Lord.
I hope that the whole town turns out when Captain Abstinence visits Belvidere. I just bet we can all learn a thing or two. I'll get back to you on the date as soon as it is set and confirmed.